Friday, May 8, 2009

sun

It hasn't stopped raining this week. I honestly thought we were past all that, now that it's May and all. I have a strange connection to the weather. I feel directly affected by what it's doing outside. In the winter, I have a hard time functioning normally because everything is dead and frozen and cold. And dark. The darkness in winter drives me insane. I had couple of really bleak weeks this past winter where I could hardly do anything. It felt like a task just getting out of bed.

That's why I look forward to spring and summer so much. The extra sunlight, the warmth, the greenness everywhere-- I really need that to function. I can't even think about writing sometimes in the winter. As if writing weren't already a daunting and impossible task, winter just makes it even harder. But in the spring and summer, I feel almost powered by the sunlight and the warm air and the feeling of possibility.

This week was pretty crappy. I was dealing with my brand spanking new disease, missing my boyfriend like mad, and feeling generally cut off from the world outside of my house and my office. The rain exacerbated everything. One stomach ache was enough to send me into a meltdown the other night.

But today, something shifted. I woke up before 7 and the sky was already bright blue and it was warm enough for me to throw open my window. I stayed in bed and finished the book Water for Elephants. I have a few issues with it, but overall it was good. When I finished it, I sort of had an epiphany, albeit a little one. I just want to write, that's what i want. I want to do that with my life. I've never seen myself as being happy working for someone. The first job I ever had was teaching flute lessons, and I'm still doing it. Self-employment is demanding, but so much more rewarding than toiling away for someone else.

I'm not the first person to say these things or want these things, and I'm not naive. I'm aware of the size of this ambition and how absolutely difficult it'll be. But whatever. I'm only 23. There is absolutely no reason I should be abandoning my dreams right now. None whatsoever.

And all this from a little damn sunshine.

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