Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I said yes

Life for the past two weeks has been a huge whirlwind. On May 16th my boyfriend proposed to me on a beautiful day on the beach in Hyannis, Mass. We rode our bikes to the beach, walked around for a while, then walked out onto a stone jetty where he popped the question and I cried so much I could hardly talk. I think back to when we first started talking and he was still in Iraq and we were learning as much as we could about one another from 6,000 miles apart, and I would think about him and his safety and how wonderful he was every second. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and run to the computer to see if he was online because of the time difference, just so I could make sure he was ok. It was an intense way to start a relationship-- I worried for the first 3 months we knew each other that he would die before I ever got to kiss him. It brought our connection to a different level. We weren't just two people in different cities getting to know each other... we were two people who were absolutely supposed to meet, no questions asked, getting to know each other with the backdrop of war and the constant overarching fear that something would happen.

We don't take each other for granted, that's one good thing that came out of it. And now I get to marry him. It still shocking to me, two weeks later. He has amazed me in some way every single day since day one a year and a half ago, and I know he'll continue for the rest of our lives. There's no way I could ever be more perfect for another person, or that I could ever love someone as selflessly and truly as I love him. I love him for everything he has done and will do, how much he loves people and how I've never doubted for one second that we were created to be together.

Once we were watching a show on the History Channel about the beginning of the universe. They were talking about stars and how everything in the universe is made from stardust. I think that was the moment we agreed that we must have been made from the same star, because it's like our cells talk to each other and pull at one another like opposite poles. It's more than just being someones "soulmate," it's the feeling that the tiniest parts of ourselves match and have been looking for one another since the very beginning of time.

Friday, May 8, 2009

sun

It hasn't stopped raining this week. I honestly thought we were past all that, now that it's May and all. I have a strange connection to the weather. I feel directly affected by what it's doing outside. In the winter, I have a hard time functioning normally because everything is dead and frozen and cold. And dark. The darkness in winter drives me insane. I had couple of really bleak weeks this past winter where I could hardly do anything. It felt like a task just getting out of bed.

That's why I look forward to spring and summer so much. The extra sunlight, the warmth, the greenness everywhere-- I really need that to function. I can't even think about writing sometimes in the winter. As if writing weren't already a daunting and impossible task, winter just makes it even harder. But in the spring and summer, I feel almost powered by the sunlight and the warm air and the feeling of possibility.

This week was pretty crappy. I was dealing with my brand spanking new disease, missing my boyfriend like mad, and feeling generally cut off from the world outside of my house and my office. The rain exacerbated everything. One stomach ache was enough to send me into a meltdown the other night.

But today, something shifted. I woke up before 7 and the sky was already bright blue and it was warm enough for me to throw open my window. I stayed in bed and finished the book Water for Elephants. I have a few issues with it, but overall it was good. When I finished it, I sort of had an epiphany, albeit a little one. I just want to write, that's what i want. I want to do that with my life. I've never seen myself as being happy working for someone. The first job I ever had was teaching flute lessons, and I'm still doing it. Self-employment is demanding, but so much more rewarding than toiling away for someone else.

I'm not the first person to say these things or want these things, and I'm not naive. I'm aware of the size of this ambition and how absolutely difficult it'll be. But whatever. I'm only 23. There is absolutely no reason I should be abandoning my dreams right now. None whatsoever.

And all this from a little damn sunshine.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Soooo...

I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis on Tuesday, thus wrapping up years of wondering why my stomach is so sensitive and I sometimes have such pain that I don't want to do anything. I was stupid for waiting so long to see a doctor, but the past few months of tests have finally resulted in a nice, shiny answer: UC. Now what? Medicines have been started, books have been taken from the library, google has been googled. It's funny-- all it takes is a diagnoses and then things start moving in the right direction. The thing that bothers me is now I have to deal with knowing this is a chronic disease that I'll have forever unless they remove my large intestine. That's sort of a bummer, considering how fond I am of my God-given body parts, even if they've given me some trouble over the years. The plus side of it all is that there are treatments, medicinal and holistic, and I'm already working on trying both. Also there's the body's ability to heal itself, so I'm not ruling that out, either. Come on, I've read The Secret.

Submission four is due on Monday, and as of right now, I have zero annotations done, I haven't finished one of my books, and my story is being gutted and revised to the point where I'm starting over and trying again. At least it's going to rain all weekend and Matt has the Reserves, so the weather and the boy won't be there as tempting, beautiful distractions. Are you happy, Submission Four? I will focus soley on you this weekend. (Next step: Get myself out of bed and do some yoga so I can start thinking!)